Over the weekend, NFL officials announced that starting in 2008, all games broadcast on Fox, CBS, NBC, ESPN and the NFL Network will feature a Tom Brady news ticker that will scroll across the bottom of the screen during the first, second, third and fourth quarters of every game. “This new feature, possibly the most important technological advance since that yellow first down line, will allow the NFL to supply fans of all 32 teams with non-stop updates and news about Tom Brady, the most dominant, not to mention the most handsome, athlete in any sport ever,” said NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell.

When asked about the motivation behind the move, Goodell explained “during the 2007 season, we found that because of the fans desire to actually be kept abreast of what was going on during the games they were watching, network announcers were unfairly limited in the amount of time they were able to spend talking about Tom Brady. With this new innovation, the announcers will be able to deliver play by play of all of the non-Brady related action taking place on the field while simultaneously typing any and all Tom related thoughts that cross their mind into a special device that will send those Tom Brady thoughts directly to the scrolling news ticker. This provides us with a unique opportunity to not only please those fans that may not want to hear Cris Collinsworth fawn over Tom Brady with 1:20 left in the fourth quarter of a 31-28 game between NFC rivals the Washington Redskins and New York Giants while at the same time pleasing those fans that do love Tom the same way we do.” When asked if he was referring to the New York “Football” Giants, Goodell replied “the Patriots 16-0 regular season record was a monumental achievement that could not have happened without the fearless leadership and quiet determination of Tom Brady, the single greatest thing to ever happen to not only the NFL, but to all organized sports at any level.” When informed that he didn’t actually answer the question, Goodell stated “yes, I agree, he is quite handsome also, but that doesn’t make me gay.”

When asked to comment, ESPN analyst Mike Tirico said “Tom Brady has set a new standard. By singlehandedly developing this new technology and providing it to the NFL, he has raised the bar to a new level that all NFL quarterbacks must now strive for, fuck a Peyton Manning.” When informed that the ticker was developed by an NFL employee and not Tom Brady, Tirico dreamily explained “Brady’s 50 regular season touchdown passes just made him look that much more stunning in that Stetson commercial. Giselle is a lucky girl.”Responding to criticism (from Tony Kornheiser) that, due to the cold, unfeeling medium that is the written word, this new feature unfairly hinders an announcers ability to express not only what they think about Tom Brady, but also how passionate they are in their feelings, Goodell added some reassuring words. “While this new technology will certainly go a long way towards guaranteeing that Tom gets the coverage he so rightfully deserves, even if he’s not actually on the field at the time, this in no way signals the end of in the booth Brady banter as we know it. Announcers will still be allowed, expected even, to steer the topic of discussion towards Tom Brady during any meaningless lull in the action that may be occuring on the field. This includes time outs, booth reviews, extra points, field goals, 4th and 1 conversion attempts, onside kicks and any time that lapses between a pass being thrown and caught.”

At deadline, reports that the Brady ticker will also be inserted into all vintage NFL Films footage could not be verified. But sources report that it is a near certainty.