There’s nothing unusual about a slow news week in Sioux Falls. It is in South Dakota. We barely have traffic. But this is regoddamndiculous. While flipping through the Sunday paper yesterday, I came across a huge feature with the following headline: “Have you spotted these ‘celebrities’ in Sioux Falls?”. If there is one thing most every celebrity to ever hail from South Dakota shares in common it’s this…they get right the fuck out of town as soon as humanly possible. Thanks for nothing Mary Hart. So obviously the headline was intriguing.

After further reading, I realized the celebrities themselves hadn’t returned. Instead, the streets of South Dakota are overrun with legions of deluded dunderheads who think they are dead ringers for actual celebrities. For example…

Michael Williams aka Jason Alexander

Similarities: Glasses, flannel shirt, probably unemployed

Differences: Eyes, nose, mouth, ears, face

What Michael Says: “It’s kind of nice that George is a good guy,” he says. “if you’re going to resemble somebody, he’s the type of person I feel good about. It’s not like he’s a serial killer or anything.”

What I Say: Look, I’m fat and going bald also, but that doesn’t mean I look like Jason Alexander. And Michael, “George” is not a real guy.

Emily Roby aka Ashlee Simpson

Similarities: Unfortunate raccoon eyes, blond hair, nobody gives a shit about either of them

Differences: Despite being a total douche, most dudes would still throw their mom from a moving car for a shot at nailing Ashlee Simpson. Emily, on the other hand, looks like your local HR rep. Which means most people would prefer to throw her from a moving car.

What Emily Says: “Everyone knows I like her,” Roby says. “I’ve grown to like her more, I think, because I look like her.”

What I Say: Not even on your finest day, Emily.

Melissa Johnson aka Victoria Beckham

Similarities: Hair, sort of. Both would be a lot better off without that fucking hair.

Differences: Fucking everything else.

What Melissa Says: “She’s probably 50 pounds lighter than me.”

What I Say: Take a good, long look at Melissa. Are we sure she’s not a dude?

Similarities: There are pictures of both of them above these words

Differences: One of them is well tanned and nearly nude. One of them is pasty white and fully clothed. I’m alright with that on both counts. Also, they look nothing alike.

What Julie Says: “I guess it’s the facial features. If I had a sister, that’s what she’d look like.”

What I Say: In my experience, there is more to resembling a celebrity than just owning a shirt similar to one they wore in a video once. Granted Michelle Branch is probably all dolled up for that photo shoot…but so is Julie. Yowsers!

Todd Worthington aka Chris Daughtry

Similarities: Bald, scowling, both probably think they “rock,” I’d love to punch them both in the face

Differences: Todd looks like he woke up on the wrong side of 50 this morning, which puts him about 20 years outside the American Idol qualifying age bracket.

What Todd Says: “I absolutely love his music. I’m a rocker, too.”

What I Say: I fucking knew he would say that.

Rebecca Corcoran aka Emily Procter

Similarities: I’m not going to lie, I’m kind of offended right now. And I don’t even know who the hell Emily Procter is.

Differences: Where to start? For one thing, Emily Procter can probably afford an iron to tote along to her photo shoots. Also, not in a million fucking years will these two look alike. Whoever convinced Rebecca to take

What Rebecca Says: “She looks just like my mom when she was young. She has the same smile as my mom.”

What I Say: That’s funny, because you look like her mom. If she was adopted.

Melissa Williams aka Reese Witherspoon

Similarities: They’re both looking at the camera, neither of them are familiar with what the other one looks like

Differences: This is getting depressing

What Melissa Says: “I used to seriously hold up pictures and say, ‘I don’t get it,’ ”

What I Say: So you won’t mind if I do the same thing right now then?

Melissa Larson aka Sheryl Crow

Similarities: Fact…every chick named Melissa thinks they look like someone famous. These two don’t look alike, but I’m sure they both listen to shitty music.
Differences: If Sheryl Crow has an extra set of gums like Melissa, she’s hiding it very well

What Melissa Says: “It’d be fun to go on the look-alike show on the Entertainment channel, where they do makeovers, to see what they’d do,”

What I Say: I was just thinking that, but probably not in the same way you are.

Bridget Palmitier aka Julia Stiles

Similarities: Eyes, nose, mouth

Differences: Skill level of the stylists at the photo shoot

What Bridget Says: “She has blonde hair, like mine, and we both have dimples on the sides of our faces,”

What I Say: The kid is right, they kind of look alike. So technically, she shouldn’t even be in this article, what with her being the only actual “lookalike” out of the whole bunch and whatnot. But I wasn’t going to pass on the chance to use that picture of Julia Stiles. Bridget could stand to lose that jacket though. It looks like it came from a Public Enemy yard sale.

Scott Osthus aka Prince Harry

Similarities: Both could use a dentist, both would burst into flames in extreme sunlight

Differences: One of them has had sex before

What Scott Says: “I’d gotten to the top of the hill and the lady who’d passed me turned around and asked me if I knew I looked like Prince Harry,”

What I Say: Scott looks about as much like Prince as he does Prince Harry.

Betsy Bly aka my girlfriend Miranda Lambert

Similarities: What in the holy hell is going on here?

Differences: orange, has the good sense to rip off Steve Earle, is not I adore Miranda Lambert because, despite being a bit of a redneck, she’s awesome, is not orange, is quite hot and, most notably, she’s not bright orange. Betsy has none of these things going for her. And why the fuck is she so orange? She looks like she’s part Oompa Loompa.

What Betsy Says: “Some people have said I look like Carrie Underwood too.”

What I Say: Tell your friends to lay off the PBR, Betsy. It’s clouding their judgment.

Read the entire Argus Leader article here, including a photo gallery of the lookalikes. Strangely, there are no celebrity photos to go with them. Imagine that.