If you own a television, you’ve probably seen countless commercials for those “Now That’s What I Call Music!” CD’s. You know, every song you’ve heard so many times throughout the year that you swear you’ll gouge your eardrums out if you hear them again, together for the first time on one great collection! They’re basically the same thing as those queer mixtapes you used to make for your girlfriend back in high school, except these mixtapes are earning someone millions of dollars while yours maybe earned you a half assed hand job or two if you were lucky.

With the Kidz Bop series, this concept is taken to unsettling new heights by bringing in a cast of possibly tourette’s inflicted kids prone to singing way off key and yelling out “wooooo!” or “oh yeah!” for no good goddamned reason at all. All of this is done in the name of making the songs more “kid friendly.” This all sounds a lot less terrifying than it actually is, until you see this video. Go ahead, try to watch the whole thing…

5. Franz Ferdinand - “Take Me Out” (featured on Kidz Bop 8)

Released in 2004, “Take Me Out” was the breakthrough hit and second single from Scottish band Franz Ferdinand, reaching #3 on the US Modern Rock Tracks chart on the strength of one of the most killer guitar riffs ever stolen from a Ringo Starr song.

Why Your Kidz Shouldn’t Be Bopping:

Where to begin? The song is generally thought to be about the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand, who was killed June 28, 1914 in Sarajevo when Gavrilo Princip ran up to Ferdinand’s car and shot him. In the face. If the thought of your offspring joyously singing along to an ode to the political assassination that triggered World War I isn’t troubling enough, there is a tasty relationship metaphor buried in the song that should seal the deal. When the relationship subtext enters in and mixes with the sniperiffic lyrics, the vision you’re left with is two tired-of-each-other lovers hoping to end their relationship the old fashioned way, through senseless gun violence. Unfortunately, neither party has the heart to shoot, so there they stand, guns drawn, begging one another to pull the trigger and end the misery that is their coexistence, presumably while their violence obsessed kidz excitedly egg them on in the background.

Wait, What Did Those Kidz Say?:

“And if you leave here, you leave me broken, shattered, I lie, I’m just a cross hair, I’m just a shot, then we can die”

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4. Jessica Simpson - “A Public Affair” (featured on Kidz Bop 11)

Released in 2006, this song served as Jessica Simpson’s first public declaration of her independence after splitting with Nick Lachey and totally not letting the entire cast of Jackass nail her (the fat dude was busy).

Why Your Kidz Shouldn’t Be Bopping

When this song was released, Simpson had not only been recently divorced, but rumors of affairs with everyone from Johnny Knoxville to Bam Margera to that wuss from Maroon 5 had taken her public image from innocently naive, newlywed doofus to closeted skank. The title and lyrics of this song didn’t do much to change that. But hey, nobody can fault a young chick with just one former boyband member under her belt for wanting to get out and “experience life” so to speak. But it’s one thing to hear a 20-something Jessica Simpson sing about “putting the rules on hold” for a night. That shit is kind of sexy. Hearing a group of underage girls sing about it? If hearing that doesn’t leave you feeling at least bit uncomfortable, please click here to register before continuing with the rest of this article.

Wait, What Did Those Kidz Say?

“Hey baby, I see you looking over here baby. Are you gonna keep looking or get up and talk to me? Here’s an opportunity that you don’t wanna miss.”

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3. Hinder - “Lips of an Angel” (featured on Kidz Bop 11)

Red state rednecks serve up an ode to temptation, ill timed phone calls and ex-girlfriend banging. Catch them this summer when their “It was nice while it lasted, now let’s get back to those day jobs” tour launches at a construction site near you any damn minute now.

Why Your Kidz Shouldn’t Be Bopping:

It’s never too early for a kid to learn that being conflicted as to which chick you should be sticking it to this week is totally natural. The folks behind Kidz Bop 11 realize that discussing the ins and outs of maintaining a chick on the side with your young, would be manwhore can be an embarrassing topic for a parent to bring up with their child. To make your job as a parent easier, put on a copy of Kidz Bop 11. Who knows, maybe someday you’ll even build up the courage to introduce the wife and kids to that other family of yours that you started during that business trip to Ohio a few years back. But first things first. For right now, you’ve got some loose morals to instill in your kid. Let Kidz Bop help you get it done.

Wait, What Did Those Kidz Say?:

“And yes I’ve dreamt of you too. And does he know you’re talking to me, will it start a fight? No I don’t think she has a clue.”

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2. Kelly Clarkson - “Never Again” (featured on Kidz Bop 12)

Kelly Clarkson delivers the MySpace generation’s version of that Alanis Morrisette song about blowing Uncle Joey.

Why Your Kidz Shouldn’t Be Bopping:

If your child knows the original lyrics to this song by heart, you are well on your way to failing as a parent. After making strides toward toughening up her image on her second album, Clarkson swung for the bitter ass fences on this opening single from her third album My December. In what qualifies as far and away the angriest you will ever hear a former American Idol winner be allowed to get in public, the song opens with the gangrene revenge fantasizing line “I hope the ring you gave to her, turns her finger green.” And things just go more and more off the rails from there. For the Kidz Bop version, the song’s second line, “I hope when you’re in bed with her, you think of me” gets edited down to “I hope when you’re out with her, you think of me.” Nothing creepy about that, kidz.

Wait, What Did Those Kidz Say?:

“I would never wish bad things, but I don’t wish you well. Could you tell, by the flames that burned your words?”

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1. Britney Spears - “Toxic” (featured on Kidz Bop 6)

Fuck the bullshit, “Toxic” was Britney Spears finest hour as a recording artist. If you don’t like this song, you’re probably too damn indie for your own good. This is also the only video she ever made that is equally awesome with the sound on or off.

Why Your Kidz Shouldn’t Be Bopping:

Whew! Where to begin? For starters, there are a lot of wacky words and phrases and swears that your kids will pick up on the playground at school. But if you suspect for even a second that they comprehend what “too high, can’t come down” actually means, seek professional help. Both of you. You’re going to need it. References to blow aside, in a career laden with sexed up tunes, this was Britney at her most provocative. Inexplicably, while Kelly Clarkson’s “I bet it sucks” line from “Never Again” got censored, this song makes it through the Kidz Bop smut filters almost completely intact. At every turn, the kidz are belting out lines like “I took a sip from my devil’s cup, slowly, it’s taking over me.” If stripper poles were made in children’s sizes, then maybe there would be some justification for a Kidz Bop version of this song to exist. You can’t hardly slut it up to the High School Musical soundtrack after all. But they don’t. But that didn’t stop millions of parents from copping Kidz Bop 6 for their children. And we get up in arms about Britney driving with a kid in her lap? After a dozen or so listens to this shit, you’ll be lucky if your kid isn’t giving lap dances.

Wait, What Did Those Kidz Say?:

“There’s no escape, I can’t wait. I need a hit, baby give me it.”

Inappropriateness Level: