Of all of the fads of the 90’s that we wish would just die already, advertisers willingness to slap the word XTREME! on the label of just about every product imaginable sits comfortably on top of the list. Doritos, deodorant, soda, socks, it’s all been xtreme! at one time or another. And what separates, say, regular deodorant from xtreme! deodorant? The answer is simple, not a damn thing. But at least the possibility exists. If there was a deodorant that kept you from getting swamp ass during long car rides in the summer, that would be worthy of the xtreme! title. That does happen to everyone, right? Anyway, while the possibility for xtremeness! does exist in some products, they rarely live up to the promise. Among those products, these are the saddest of the bunch.

5. Xtreme! Prom Dresses

Is it possible for a prom dress to be xtreme!? Hell yeah, just ask that chick who got arrested for what she wore to her prom. She had the right idea. If you’re going to push the envelope, push it in a direction that says “lose my virginity on prom night? No sir, we didn’t have proms in sixth grade.” But whatever is going on in the picture on the left, that’s not xtreme!. If you’re looking at high school chicks wearing “xtreme!” prom dresses, you should at least feel like a dirty old man for it. The only thing interesting going on in that picture on the left is that the chick on the right appears to be completely bald. Now that shit is xtreme!

Buy them here: http://www.promgirl.com/shop/gown-by-manufacturer/xtreme-dresses

4. Xtreme Juice Smoothies

Believe me, an xtreme! juice smoothie is not outside the realm of possibility. It’s nothing that can’t be accomplished using a little bit of rum and perhaps a few shots of cherry cough syrup. But these juice smoothies, available from “Tampa’s favorite smoothie shop,” are xtreme primarily in how completely un-fucking different they are from any other smoothie you’ve ever had. Mangoes, bananas, strawberries, probably some wheat grass if you’re a dirty hippy. It’s all the same. Hell, by the end of the home page, they go from being “Tampa’s favorite smoothie shop” to “South Tampa’s favorite smoothie shop.” In the time it took me to read their home page, something far more awesome popped up in North Tampa. I guess that is xtreme. Xtremely sad.

Buy them here: http://www.xtremejuice.com/

3. Xtreme Dog Leashes

Heading out in public with dogs that cannot be trusted to walk freely leaves more than enough room for xtreme! action. Specifically, it’s an activity that could explode into wanton violence at any second. That’s why this leash is so disappointing. If we were making an “xtreme!” dog leash, it would have two buttons. One to release the dog and another that would instantly transform the leash into a weapon of some sort. Xtremely useful for allowing you and your dog to ward off unwanted attacks or becoming unwanted attackers yourselves if the mood strikes. That would be awesome. But what does this leash do that makes it so xtreme? It stretches and comes in a variety of gay colors. I can hardly contain my xcitement.

Buy them here: http://www.xtremepetproducts.com/

2. Xtreme Silk Plants

There are a lot of questions that need to be answered before you can rightfully call a plant xtreme. Can you smoke it? Will it kill your girlfriend’s annoying cat if the little punk decides to eat it? Will it kill YOU if you decide to eat it? Can you trick your friends into touching it and thereby inflict them with a grotesque, pus filled rash? Did it kill anybody in that shitty M. Night Shamalamadingdong movie? Was that person Mark Wahlberg? Will it provide shelter from severe storms? Will it provide sustenance should you ever need to barricade yourself in your home for any reason? And most importantly, can you smoke it? In the case of these “xtreme” silk plants, the answer to all of those questions is a resounding “shit no.” They are pretty goddamn spendy though. So there’s that.

Buy them here: http://www.xtremeaccessoriesonline.com/silk_plants_and_flowers.aspx

1. Xtreme Reading

First of all, unless you’re reading, say, this site, there is nothing awesome about reading. If it’s worth reading, it will be a movie someday. We got time to wait. But, there are those speed readers. You know, the people that can blow through “War and Peace” in 22 minutes. We’d even read if we could do that. We’d probably even sign up for this Xtreme Reading class if that was what they were teaching. But let’s see, in their own words, what the folks behind Xtreme Reading are offering.

Xtreme Reading* is a new class designed to allow adolescents to develop the reading and writing skills they need to pass required classes, graduate from high school, and prepare for the future.”

Now, I’m no English major. I didn’t even graduate finishing school for fuck’s sake. But Fortey, he’s got a degree in every damn thing imaginable. I checked with him and he confirmed it. What the folks behind Xtreme Reading are offering sounds a whole bunch like regular-ass reading. And these days, do you even need to read and write to graduate from high school? If the comments those dweebs from that MySpace band we made fun of awhile back are any indication, I get the feeling that world class reading and writing skills aren’t exactly being forced down anyone’s throat. And does being able to read and write with a high school education really prepare you for the future? Absolutely it does. Provided you’re hoping to grow up to be an underpaid internet comedy writer.

Check it out here: http://www.xtremereading.com/