The future is happening all around us as we watch daytime TV or work for our sad paycheck that can barely buy us our weekly requirements of alcohol and hookers, let alone the flying cars that are being hurried down the line to make our lives more convenient/horribly dangerous. And now, to add insult to our poor, non-futuristic misery, it’s not just cars and iPhones and robot whores that sci fi is giving us, it’s friggin lawnmowers. Lawnmowers are no so advanced they can almost do your taxes and comfort you when you’re lonely. But don’t believe their intentions, as it’s likely they want to mulch you. Look, what we’re saying is that gardening is a hell of a lot more advanced than you probably ever suspected. Take a look at these horribly advanced and frightfully dangerous toys whose sole purpose is to make your front yard look nicer and potentially murder you in your sleep.

Mow-Aerator – For everyone who’s ever mowed the lawn and thought to themselves “This is hardly insane at all, how can I channel Mad Max’s dystopian future esthetic whilst scaring the shit out of the neighbors and making my lawnmower even more dangerous?” the makers of the Mow Aerator have just one thing to show you – some giant metal fuckin’ spikes. In principle these aerate your lawn, which we guess is important cuz of how your lawn is all stuffy and lacking air normally. But in theory, these could be the start of your triumphant rise to power as Lord Humongous.

Zero Laser mower – Lawn mowing hasn’t seen a lot of innovations in its time. Which is to say, sure, things progressed from push mowers to gas mowers to electric mowers and riding mowers, but the basic principles of accident potential were always the same. Super fast spinning blades were all we had to worry about, and that gets boring with all the wood chippers and food processors and thresher machines we tend to play with when not mowing the lawn. Thankfully, German engineers are developing the Zero Laser mower, a mower that removes blades in favor of the futuristic power of laser beams slicing the shit out of our lawns. Basically a car that shoot lasers at the ground, we can’t imagine anything more awesomely dangerous to assault a field with.

Flymo – If there’s one thing everyone hates about lawn maintenance, it’s how you have to keep your lawn mower on the ground all the time. Really, who came up with that silly ass idea? Newton and his bloody gravity, that’s who. Thank your pagan gods that Flymo exists and is willing to poke Newton right in his smarty pants eye by giving us all hover mowers, because where mowers on the ground are unsafe, mowers that fly around on a cushion of air probably have no issues whatsoever. As an added bonus, it’s like you’re mowing the Jetsons’ lawn and, potentially, losing control and shaving the faces off of everyone within range.

Toro Leaf Lock – Because carbonite and freeze rays are the ways rich people keep their enemies captive, Toro helpfully invented this “Leaf Lock” product. Leaf Lock is intended to stop your leaves from blowing around, something traditionally accomplished by actually putting them into bags where wind has a difficult time getting past the knot. But since that’s not a viable option of the backyard crusader who has the energy to rake leaves but the lazy urge to then leave them sitting there, Leaf Lock can be sprinkled over the pile where it will form a creepy, weird shell. The product is supposedly safe since it’s made from corn by-products but we need not remind you how corn by-products lead to the Hindenburg disaster. And also herpes.

Sickle Bar Mowers – Traditionally, the use of unwieldy and bizarre power cutting tools has been the domain of movie killers. Like Leatherface, for instance. Lawn care, on the other hand, often at least makes a half assed attempt at safety. Like when the lawnmower keeps its blades (or lasers) hidden away under the machine. But from the farm to your lawn comes sickle bar mowers, which is basically a horizontal chainsaw you run across the grass. Sticking out right across the front of the mower like the smiling mechanical maw of the devil himself, we’re assuming this thing was invented by the children of the corn, but who’s to say.

The Lawnbott – Taking lawn mowing to bizarrely awesome new heights is the KA Lawnbott LB3500 Robot Lawn Mower. Controlled and programmed via Bluetooth so you can conceivably mow your lawn or stalk neighborhood children from another town, the Lawnbott can be programmed to go out and mow your lawn at any time you want and it will recharge itself if you program it to mow detailed obscenities into your neighbor’s yard at 3am and the task takes a little too long.

Since the Lawnbott is likely to draw attention from ne’er-do-wells it also comes with an onboard alarm to stop anyone from trying to prevent your from forcibly shaving their dog’s back, or whatever it is you might be up to. With a price tag over $3000, it’s not exactly cheap, but with a noiseless mower and the ability to program it over the internet, can you really afford not to loose an army of these on your neighborhood?

Spider Slope Mower – The Dvorak Spider Slope Mower, like the Lawnbott, is a robotic mower. Unlike the Lawnbott, the Spider climbs things and is the size of a small hippo. Operated by radio control, the mower is meant to operate on slopes and hillsides and, if the infomercial is any indication, climb walls like a fat, yellow Batman and smite its enemies, gravity be damned.

Looking like a small tank and with a fuel capacity to keep it going for 6 hours at the slow but ominous speed of about 7 mph, the Spider is like the lawn mower equivalent of the Terminator. To prove that point, the Spider has already claimed the life of one man after it became unbalanced on a slope and fell on him.

Mega-Dynamizer Robot – Possibly the coolest yet most likely least effective of all lawn mowing devices in creation, the Mega-Dynamizer robot will mow your lawn, it just may take him several hours to get it done and it may run over the power cord and destroy itself in the process. But look at it! It’s a tiny robot that pushes a tiny lawn mower! If it could pause to give you tiny porn and tiny beers every so often, it would be the best invention in the history of ever.

Made by the Sugiura Brothers, the Mega Dynamizer is something the brothers foresee as being one of many robot assistants we can all enjoy some day. Presumably if the little buggers ever go mass market they’ll make them larger thus ruining the awesomeness to some degree, but for now there’s at least one knee high robot out there cutting lawns.

Alligator Powered Lopper – Black and Decker, feeling that lawn care is best served by taking queues from Unreal Tournament, produced the Alligator Powered Lopper. Mixing the gripping power of garden shears with the fury of a chainsaw, the end result is without a doubt the best melee weapon you’re apt to get in any real life video game scenario until someone finds a way to mix a food processor with boxing gloves. Now you can conveniently and most likely messily lop limbs off of trees or mail carriers at your leisure and save your plasma grenades for bigger fish like ice cream trucks or crab grass.