It’s 3:34 in the morning as I write this and what better way to pass the time than to Google the word cumquat. Why cumquat? Why indeed. Google tells me the word cumquat has 1.1 million results. That’s a veritable pantload of citrusy webpages. But to put it in perspective, boobs get 72.3 million results and Punky Brewster gets 381,000. What does all that mean? Nothing. But remember when the Punky Brewster girl had really big boobs? I’m outlining the circle of life here, people.

Anyways, it being late and me sitting here getting sleepier with each shot of Robitussin I drink, I figured why not see what the internet has to offer in terms of cumquats. I wanted to know what the very last thing anyone had to say about cumquats might be. Sadly, Google is a douche and once you hit page 93 of results it gives up like a one legged hobo trying to run up a flight of stairs to get that dollar bill you’re waving at him until he realizes it’s not actually a dollar bill but an expired coupon for 50 cents off an entrée at Chili’s and you just did it to watch the comical way in which he wobbles about like some manner of glorified Weeble.

Where Google fails, perversion excels and right there on page 93 of the Google cumquat results is a link to a beastiality story website. Because, you know, that makes sense. Citrus, pony, penetration. It’s called a syllogism.

Whatever the case, just to be clear, no one wrote a story about boning a cumquat, that’d be ridiculous. Instead, someone with the screen name of cumquat wrote a series of stories about humping dogs, which is not ridiculous at all. At all.

Google left me disappointed and somewhat disgusted yet aroused, so I figured I’d see what I could find in the world of Youtube. You may be pleasantly surprised to learn that a search of the word cumquat on Youtube elicits shitty, shitty results. How shitty? So shitty that I would, by proxy, absorb their shittiness and become shitty myself if I wasted the effort to embed them here. Just trust me, they suck. This first video seems to be a man-weasel mumbling along to a guitar. Something about cumquats, salad tossing and anger about not having enough male hormones to properly grow a mustache. It’s like watching Ellen Degeneres.

Amazon isn’t the kind of website to let me down the way Youtube did. With 192 books that apparently focus on cumquats, the first result is a saucy little number called Cumquat, Volume 1, published by the Society for Preservation of Citrus Fruit. Those guys were all over lemonade and orgies back in the 70’s. I’m also pleased to see it’s the first volume, which promises many more cumquatty tomes to follow.

Near the ass end of Amazon’s list is the epic 40,000 Selected Words. Indeed, this seems to be a book that’s just 40,000 words, one of which is cumquat. Awesome.

The bottle of Robitussin was almost done at this point and I was really having a hard time focusing my thoughts on any other websites this completely pointless and frivolous task might lend themselves to. Except for eBay. EBay is supposed to sell everything. Time machines, Dutch children, unpolished emeralds, surely eBay has an abundance of cumquat merchandise.

In fact, it does not. It had one auction for a slightly used bottle of Cumquat Body Balm. It actually said slightly used in the auction. I assume that means someone masturbated with it, then used the edge of a credit card to scrape up all the excess when they were done and put it back into the jar, which is what I do with pancake syrup.

I hope you’ve all learned something from this. I haven’t.