I should be writing more content for this website, and reposting my old material. That one article about animals named by morons was hilarious. Hilarious! It was actually nominated for several web awards, I assume. And I heard that the girl Glenn lost his virginity to only engaged in coitus with him because she had a premonition that one day he would work on this site and that article would also be published on it and she just really wanted to be able to feel a little glimmer of that glory. It’s true.

So why am I not posting all my old, hilariousness and new, edgy comedy that will leave you in literal stitches (which is to ay I assume my work makes you cut yourself)? Because of a cab ride.

Lemme ’splain. See, the other day I had called a cab, or taxi if you will, to ferry me about town as I refuse to walk anywhere that isn’t going to supply me with boobies and nachos. As this was not a boobie nacho run, I needed a chauffeur for the day, and my good friends at U-Need-A Cab were there to assist me. As I waited next to the large tree outside my home that smells vaguely of old urine (not mine, which is muskier) I feel I may have had a hint of what was about to transpire. But in retrospect, can I ever be sure? Am I just projecting? Do I just want to feel I knew what was going to happened? Who can say.

As the cab pulled up, I hopped in and was struck by the smell of car deodorizer and cured meats. Yes, I know that odor well. Smells like victory. And my parents’ bathroom, but only because my dad would often make sandwiches to take in with him when he was expecting a long sit down, then he’d spray a little deodorizer as a courtesy after the fact, melding together the smell of aerosol fake orange and ginger with feces and canned meat. That takes me back…

Anyway, I had little time to appreciate the trip down memory lane the stink of the cab was taking me on as I was immediately caught by the radio. The volume was low, but there was a commercial on for a business that I believe sold ATVs. A woman’s voice filled my ears and this is what she said -”I came in for a rimjob, but I left with a smile on my face.”

The commercial continued as though nothing had happened with a man speaking about ATVs. The cabbie was asking me where I was going. I was stumped. Did that lady say she was looking for a rimjob? You bet your ass she did.

I recovered quickly and gave the cabbie my destination. The commercial ended and another started. I came in for a rimjob but I left with a smile on my face. The second part of the sentence “I left with a smile on my face” was expressed as though she had no idea that would happen to her. Like she needed but didn’t want the rimjob, but in the end (rather literally, I suppose) she was pleasantly surprised by the rimjob she received. As though, in the past, rimjobs had been nothing but harsh letdowns for her. But this rimjob, this was really well down. What a kickass rimjob I just got. When my friends need rimjobs, I will recommend this place.

I have no idea if the commercial was for an ATV place or not, I just think I heard the next voice mention them in passing. It doesn’t matter. How many people are involved in the production of a radio commercial for a small business? The CEO, someone in marketing, maybe an outside writer, the voice over actors, the guys who recorded it, someone at the radio station who received it… how many of them giggled like fancy free schoolgirls at the copy for that commercial? One of them, at least one of them, had to know how that commercial sounded. But no one said anything. And it ended up on the radio.

The rimjob commercial consumes my thoughts. Did the writer of the commercial do it on purpose? Did he know what he was saying and wanted to see if he could pull it off? How does someone who does non ass related rimjobs for a living not know the other meaning for rimjob and therefore not know to not use the term in advertising? If I sold caulking for a living, my slogan in a radio commercial would not be “Wait till you get your hands on my caulk” or “Everyone loves my caulk” or “My caulk is guaranteed to fill all your holes or your money back” or “Man alive, do I have a lot of caulk” or anything of the sort. Likely it would be “Fortey sells a wide variety of flexible sealing compounds” because I am not childish.

What the hell is a non ass related rimjob? Is that even the real term? I rarely have rims that need looking after, whether for ATVs or otherwise, but surely there’s nothing actually called a rimjob out there I can get done to tire rims. According to Wikipedia, rimjob only refers to “rimming, rim-job, salad tossing, butt licking and eating ass.” There’s nary a mention of an ATV or a tire to be found. Incidentally, Wikipedia also provides a cartoon illustration. I’d include it here but we like to keep the graphics free from most depcitions of cartoon ass eating on this site. It’s a moral decision we all made, with the exception of Grady who’s still angry. Still, take a look if you’re so inclined.