Why doesn’t the internet seek to please me at all times? I don’t know. The result of the internet’s slothful inability to bend to my unspoken whims is a pantload of websites that make tiny muscles under the flesh of my face spasm in frustration and anger. There are so many preposterous websites that either don’t need to exist at all, or need some kind of massive overhaul. I don’t even want to introduce this topic any longer, I’m just going to start making fun of websites that make more money than this one now, because I loathe them so,

eHarmony.com - I’ve never been to this website and I hate it, that oughtta be worth something. I am online right now, I could easily open a new window and go look at eHarmony but I fucking won’t, because I refuse to support that librarian looking asshat who cranks out a new commercial for his asinine website every other week. You know who visits this site for their “scientific” method of meeting total strangers? People who have tongue kissed dogs before and who collect Hummel figurines. People who listen to the Bangles to cheer themselves up.

Everyone on an eHarmony commercial comes across as some kind of insipid non-person who was so bumbling in life that they had previously been dating hobos, piles of trash assembled to resemble people and cardboard cutouts of celebrities. Why are we helping these people meet each other based on matching up personality traits? Isn’t this the equivalent of cyber-age moron eugenics? eHarmony’s ultimate goal may be, in fact, to breed an entire new generation of dipshits. Certifiable dipshits who can’t assemble Ikea furniture and drink Zima. God damn you, eHarmony.

Hotmail.com - I don’t use hotmail so much anymore, I’m a gmail kind of guy these days. But, on occasion, when I am not thinking and want to harass someone anonymously I venture to make a new e-mail account from which I can send shemale porn to guys I went to university with. Ya know, because we’re friends and not because his new wife is an unbearable shrew who won’t find the humor in a chick with 36DD boobs packing a 9 inch wang pointed directly at them when they open the e-mail. So what the hell is Hotmail’s problem? Why do they change the hotmail layout every couple of days now? Why does it take me 20 minutes to sign up for a new fake account? And for the rare times I do make use of the one hotmail account I actually keep, why do I get 100 spam e-mails every day? Did Microsoft sign a deal with people selling mortgages and cock enlargement pills or something? Why must you frustrate me so?

YouTube.com - Don’t get me wrong, I love hilarious videos of accidents as much as the next guy. I also love videos of bum fights and internet memes being exploited well past their prime. Hilarious, I tells ya! But what the hell is happening on YouTube from day to day? Have you ever looked at the most viewed video section? And then have you ever managed to stop yourself from shaking in under 5 minutes?

Why does Chocolate Rain have 28 million views? What the fuck is Chocolate Rain?

Why have almost 100,000,000 people viewed Girlfriend by Avril Lavigne? One hundred million? That’s like 3 times the population of the very country that spawned Avril Lavigne. That’s 1 in 3 Americans.

Why have 48 million people watched Crank Dat Soulja Boy Spongebob? What I just typed doesn’t even make sense. And Souljah Boy sucks. And has nothing to do with Spongebob.

MySpace.com - Realistically, there’s no need for me to explain this. If you can read that I, and many others, hate MySpace and not understand why, I have something terrible to tell you. You’re why. MySpace is the web equivalent of a friend vomiting on you in a bar. It’s quite the mess and everyone is there to see it, plus there’s awful music in the background. Near as I can tell, half the people who use MySpace suffer from some kind of sensory retardation issue that prevents them from noticing all the hideous backgrounds and animated gif files and and terrible embedded sound files make their page into an incoherent glimpse into the mind of the completely insane.

Kleenex.com - I pick on Kleenex for no good reason here as I am using them as a placeholder for every product in your home that you have never looked at and thought “Man, I’d like to learn more about this.” No one wants to see the story of Kleenex online. I don’t want to see a website for my toothbrush, my dish soap, my vacuum, my vitamins, my crackers, my lint brush, my soup or any of the other dozens upon dozens of mundane things that no one int heir right mind should care enough about to look up online. Which brings me to…

Tampax.com - Don’t ask why I was on this website, the reason will chill and disturb you. All you need to concern yourself with is the fact that you can’t even navigate this site unless you tell them what country you’re from. What the hell is Tampax hiding from foreigners? Or from us in favor of foreigners? What the hell does geography have to do with feminine hygiene? Is the site drastically different if you’re in Antigua? I bet I don’t want to know any of the answers.

Foreign Porn Sites - Have you ever found yourself on some Guatemalan mature ladies website and stayed long enough to look at a few pics because you were only mildly disgusted and then noticed the text on the side of the page that read something like this - “I mets Janice on the streets at a club. She lookeds hot so I ask her come home and she says OK! We get to mys place and she is being too much hornys for me so I say get it good! and she shows me giant boobs like eggs of condor only made from soft goat cheese and we have many of the sex all night, she is insatiable horny!”

Maybe I’m the only guy in the English speaking world who found that particular foreign porn site, but come on. Come on!

Amazon.com - Generally I enjoy Amazon for being a mighty repository of all kinds of things I don’t need but will waste my money on anyway. The reason I have hundreds of DVDs and books is because of Amazon.com. You’d figure that means I like the website and I almost do. I so totally almost do. Except for the “Recommended for You” part of the site. I bought Old School so they recommend all 3 Mission: Impossible movies. I bought Harold and Kumar and they recommend the Sixth Sense. I bought Lord of the Rings widescreen, they recommend Lord of the Rings fullscreen. Really? Really, Amazon?

SmileyCentral.com - I think this may be the giant, queen alien of spam sites, pumping out little spamlets across the globe in the form of pop up windows and shitty ad banners that screech through my speakers whenever I carelessly move my mouse on some other shitty webpage. But how is this website in business? Are there seriously legions of asshats out there paying money to get these awful smileys on their own computers so they can laugh to themselves while they shovel Cheezits and ice cream down their Jabba-esque, shut-in maws, firmly rooted in their no-longer-able-to-swivel-due-to-physics swivel chairs?

KFC.com - This entry is mostly because I ate some KFC the other day and then promptly and explosively shot it back out of my body in a virulent roar of salty, watery puke. That aside, the KFC website has a link that says “nutrition” right there at the top of the page, which makes me question humanity as a whole. Are KFC customers idiots or are the KFC marketing people idiots? Cuz believe it, someone here is an idiot. No one should be going to KFC if they have a remote concern about the nutritional value of what they’re eating and the people at KFC should know this. It’s a fried chicken place. If you want to eat healthy, maybe you should, you know, not go to a fried chicken place.

The nutrition page goes on to insult people by letting us know that they have no trans fats. So what? So my heart is going to expand to the size of a small dog and explode because of the cholesterol and regular fat and sodium then? Fuckin fantastic, Colonel, thanks. They also let you know that one of their delicious bowls has 800 calories, which is close to half what you need in a day if you’re not an epic fatty or planning on doing any decathlons any time soon. Clearly KFC really does care about nutrition.

I assume there are many more terrible websites out there, but I either haven’t been to them or, ya know, just don’t remember them off the top of my head. This is a blog, not a research paper.