While things are, for the most part, back on track around here, there is no question that the unfortunate deletion of the entire damn site by me has had a bit of an impact on traffic around here.  How much of an impact?  I don’t know, ask someone who checks on that kind of thing, but I’m sure it’s had an impact.  So, in light of this unfortunate development, I found myself pondering ways to guarantee a massive influx of traffic back to the site, thereby restoring our rightful place as the greatest goddamned thing happening on the internet right now.  As luck would have it, I found my inspiration in the oddest of possible places.

It happened while watching one of the seventy or so MTV channels that one gets stricken with upon signing up for digital cable.  I was watching a countdown of some sort, perhaps of the Sucka Free variety, when I noticed something.  Of the top 10 songs on the countdown, a whopping nine of them featured guest artists.  And just like that, it hit me.  Eureka!  All we need around here are some damn guests.  After that, people will read whatever the fuck we write!  So, by way of initiating the explosion in traffic that this site so desperately needs, today’s post will feature several guests.  But not just any guests, there is a formula, and we’re going to follow it.  

First off, we’re going to need a big name producer.  See that picture?  You’re damn right that’s Timbaland.  We do not fuck around here at ScenicAnemia.  So, bask in the musclebound awesomeness that is Timbaland (aka Thomas Crown) while I take a moment to discuss something that’s been on my mind.  I was in Canada recently, and I have a question.  What the fuck is a VLT?  Every billboard I drove past seemed to be touting “VLT’s.”  Would it have killed them to spell it out just once for the benefit of foreigners like myself?  Apparently, yes, it would.  Fucking Canada.  So, before I lower myself to asking Fortey or Glenn and thereby destroying the image they must surely have of me as an all-knowing King of America, I figured I would do some research on my own.

Yes, that is John Mayer, you see there.  Every good song these days features a friendly mix of producer/rapper/hot singer/guest rapper/white-but-still-palatable-to-black-people rock musician.  Because I refuse to include a picture of that douche from Coldplay in this post, John Mayer is the guy.  Anyway, back to the VLT’s.  After a quick search on acronymfinder.com, I was presented with far more options than I expected.  Let’s take a look at a few of the possibilities.  Up first, Vermont Land Trust.  While it is certainly a long shot, we can’t rule it out.  Why would so much of Canada be interested in a state like Vermont?  Simple, it’s central location on the East Coast of the United States makes it the perfect location from which to launch some sort of strike.  Is Canada planning to invade the United States?  If all of those ominous Vermont Land Trust signs are any indication, then yeah, maybe.  Could Al-Canada operatives already be setting up shop in the sleepy locale that is Vermont?  I can’t prove it, but rest assured, the all-seeing eye of suspicion is upon you, Canada.  No sudden moves, eh?

Filling the spot of “mandatory guest rapper of the day” is Lil’ Wayne.  Is there anywhere that he is not right now?  If your mom invites you to dinner, expect “Weezy fuckin’ Baby” to pop up at some point.  But, to his credit, people don’t seem to be tiring of him in the least.  Quite the opposite really.  This paragraph feels a bit more awesome just having him in it, right?  Of course it does.  Now, back to the VLT’s.  The next acronym possibility that caught my eye?  Very Large Telescope.  Probably not the answer I’m looking for, but hilarious nonetheless, mostly because “Very Large Telescope” is actually a proper name for a real life scientific project.  Some of the brightest minds roaming planet Earth, when tasked with what to call their big telescope project, settled on “Very Large Telescope.”  Brilliant!  In case you’re wondering where it’s located, the “Very Large Telescope” project is located at the Paranal Observatory in Chile.  Ha!  They said “anal.”  South American scientists are, like, so gay.

Where would this post be without a hot R&B singer?  That’s Cassie.  She can’t sing.  So far, nobody has noticed.  That’s what computers are for.  Why is her picture so much bigger than the others?  No idea what you’re talking about.  Anyway, the VLT search has turned frustrating.  What can it be?  Variable List Table?  Visible Light Transmittance?  Very Long Term?  How about Very Little Text?  Is any of this really worth advertising on billboards?  Probably not.  That leaves one last possibility…video lottery terminals.  That seems like a logical choice.  By the way, if this all seems a little boring, keep in mind, this post is jam packed with guests, which makes it hot by default.  Scenic Anemia, we run the streets!  But yeah, video lottery terminals.  That has to be it.  We have video lottery all over the damn place here in South Dakota.  Is it so unrealistic to believe that it’s migrated north?  Or maybe it migrated south to us, where we then perfected the practice by actually telling people what it is rather than shrouding it in some mysterious acronym.  Whatever the case, it doesn’t much matter.  Because we got guests!