It’s 2:45 in the morning and I have to work at 10:00.  To do this I must leave the house by 8:30 to catch a bus all the way across town.  To do this I figure I need to be up in 5 hours.  But I am already up, so I am ahead of the curve.  What curve?  All of ‘em, baby.

I thought I’d share some random tidbits today, things that in and of themselves don’t make a whole blog and yet they’re worthy of a good retelling in some online forum because future generations are going to want to know what kind of pointless shit was clogging up the tubes of the internet way back when.  I like to think a Moon Man will read this blog one day and be all “Bitches back in 2008 sure were full of themselves.  This one handsome bastard named Fortey wrote all kinds of crap that probably no one cared about and yet he kept going.  I bet he was touched himself a lot.  Oh good, my Moon cab is here to take me to the Moon market.” Fuckin judgemental Moon Men and their damn markets.

Anyways, here’s some highlights from the universe at large.

This week at work I had my hand in feces.  No word of a lie.  I do not work in a feces related industry, making this little tale somewhat more interesting, or at least hair raising.  See, some days at work I’ll be all “wow, feels like that burrito wants to get back to his family” so I’ll get someone to cover me for a good 12 minutes (no more no less if done right) and mosey on back to the lavatory or “shitter” if you will.

On my last outing to the dump, I was chagrined to discover the handle to the toilet had mysteriously vanished and the last patron had neglected to flush.  Also of note was that this person neglected to wipe.  You can tell when they’re just a lone floater.  Unless he took the paper with him, what the hell do I know?

Anyway, I laid down a nest of toilet paper in a furious hurry on the seat so my ass wouldn’t have to touch anything unseemly.  You should know by now I have issues with public restrooms.  But anyway, I was in a hurry and my 12 minutes was counting down so I added my deposit to the last fellows and then trumped him by actually wiping my ass.  Can you believe I am actually writing this online?  Like I thought this was worth your attention?  What the fuck is my problem?

I’ll tell you what my problem is.  Once I was rear sanitized, I was going to remove the lid to the tank and flush by yanking the handle inside.  To do this I needed to lower the lid of the toilet.  Which, I soon learned, was covered in actual poo.  Feces.  Shit.  Some unwholesome individual had lowered that lid and shat upon it, then flipped it up again.  This was no smear of poo caused by an errant finger tearing through oru low quality paper and getting stained, this was a full on bowel movement and I had my hand right in it.

At this point I cursed loudly and proceeded to wash my hand for the several minutes.  Was this an omen of the rest of the week?  You tell me.

Today, as I sat at a bus stop waiting to get home, an SUV pulled to a stop at the light in front of me.  Inside were four university looking chicks who were about as interchangeable as the pieces of a Mr. Potato Head.  They all looked exactly like each other, it was very odd.  Blondes, with big sunglasses and probably wearing sweat pants with something clever like “Juicy” written on the ass.

The passenger girl looks at me with her window down and says, quite unprovoked “Nice shirt, Minimum Wage.  Did you go to school to learn how to bag groceries?”  For the record, I do not work in a grocery store nor do I bag groceries.

Inexplicably, my mouth and brain formed a pact to blow not only this random girl’s mind but my own at the very same instant.  With nary a pause, I replied “I bet your cunt tastes like brine shrimp.”

I have no idea what brine shrimp taste like.  They’re sea monkeys, who the hell eats those?  To be honest, I think I meant pickle brine, but brine shrimp is what came out.  I dropped the C bomb on a total stranger, albeit a bitch, and then that follow up.  I think I’ve never said anything more awesome to another human ever.

Briney (that’s what we’ll call her now) was somewhat more taken aback by this retort than I was.  Her friends seemed disgusted, and I heard muted rumbling of distaste from within.  The main reply was from Briney, who simply exclaimed “what?” And honestly, there was nothing more for her to say at that point.

The light turned green and Briney was whisked away t parts unknown.  I like to think that now, for the rest of her life, whenever someone gets close to her nether regions she’s going to pause and wonder if there is a seafood-esque quality to what’s going on down there and then she’ll think of me.