For my original fraudulent friend finder article, I decided to go out of my way to be a complete douche to a total stranger, even if said stranger was an eerie shut-in degenerate who liked to be wrapped in saran wrap by strange women. You don’t need me to explain the details again, go read it.

I had pondered the idea of maybe doing a sequel, because sequels are awesome, just ask City Slickers II. Jack Palance ruled like nobody’s business, am I right? I’m right. The idea was just that though, an idea. A fertile dream, like those I have about flying or sodomy or Adam. The promise of a truth on another day, but no more.

Or was it? The answer us no. It wasn’t. As some of you are not aware, I sometimes sell my crap on Facebook. Once I put up an hilarious fake ad for my grandmother, until some uptight twat complained and Facebook removed the ad and sent me a message threatening to ban me if I didn’t respect the rules of serious social networking classified ads. My grandmother is dead though, so the joke’s on them. Anyway, recently I listed some action figures online. Yes, I have action figures, no i have never touched a girl’s forbidden zone. They were Buffy the Vampire Slayer action figures in fact, so I don’t need to touch real girls. I had 6 inch plastic Willow and she goes where real girls can’t. But I digress.

I was all a-twitter with greedy anticipatory delight when I received an e-mail that someone was interested in purchasing my item. Until I read it.

Hello,
I am interested in immediate purchase of your item,but before i proceed on this transaction i will like to ask some question as follow. i can only raise cashier check or money order for the payment of your item so i will like to know if the item is still available and also if is in good condition?Please your answer on this, will enable me to issue your payment to you asap

1. Do you accept a ( Cashier Check / Money Order)as a mode of payment?

2. What is the firm price of the item?

3. Will you let a shipping company to come to your house for the pick up of the item?

4. Do get back to me with your contact info where you want the payment to address to

5. I will like you to contact me to my personal email address which is douchebucket@cockrag.com*

You may notice this person has issues with the English language, which isn’t in and of itself a crime, even though it should be. They also offer me the curious payments of money order or cashier check. Immediately my “you’re a sack of shit-dar” went off. Why not cash? Why is a shipping company coming? Why do you suck.

A quick Google search confirmed this was a dirty scam that people often pull on Craigslist and other sites where lonely gents like myself sell their slightly soiled Buffy figures for cold, hard cash. The basic idea is I get sent a fake cashier’s check with an extra amount added on to pay the shipping company and for my own troubles. I wire transfer the money to the shipping company and then no one ever shows up and when the check finally doesn’t clear because it’s as fake as Glenn’s wooden leg that I know he pees in on long car rides I’m on the hook for the whole amount and my English as a second language friend is laughing and probably masturbating all over my money. All over it.

Just to confirm I had a real person and not a bot, I exchanged some e-mails that were mundane and not hilarious in the least. Like this:

Hi again,

I think it would be easier and save some time if I just met you some place and delivered the items to you and you pay me on the spot. That way you don’t have to worry about whether you can trust me with the money and it will save you money on shipping as well.

Also, I have some additional figures as well if you’d be interested in buying them. It’s a duplicate of everything I have listed. Let me know if this sounds good to you, or if you would still like to have them shipped.

This got me a response that pretty much says the same shit over and over, asking for my address and phone number. They also went out of their way to ask if they can trust me with this money. They don’t want to be ripped off. A few more mundane e-mails and I agree we have a deal so I get this:

Hello,thanks for your quick response,the check will be mailout as soon as possible and i want you to understand that some amount have been place on the check which is meant for the item and the shipping company that will come for the pick up so as soon as you receive it just go to any cashing point around you or your bank and get it cash and deduct the amount of your item and also deduct the amount of $30 for your time and effort and wire transfer the excess fund via western union money transfer to the shipping company the same day so kindly consider the item sold to me so that another person will not buy it from you as i so much count on you.

They count of me. They need these Buffy figures. Maybe for a voodoo ritual, maybe to boil for soup. I don’t know, but this shit sounds important. I must reassure them that I am reliable. So I say this:

OK, sounds good. I will wire the money the same day I receive it. You should know that this item is cursed, however. Ever since I received the item, I have had terrible flatulence and a non-stop erection. My local priest told me he could not speak about it and would not allow me in the church but an Indian shaman told me it was possessed by the spirit of Christopher Reeve, who you may recognize as Superman. I suppose I should charge more for something possessed by Superman, but I feel the price I asked is fair.

How will you be sending the payment? I prefer in the mail or a strip-o-gram, but whatever works best for you. You do not need to add any extra for my time but it is very nice to offer. If you like, you can merely send me photos of you on a bearskin rug or peeing in a can of Mountain Dew. If you could do both in the same photo, even better.

I love you

This seems quite over the top, but since my friend keeps sending me the same vaguely idiotic requests for my address, I have to take the risk that they won’t even pay attention. I am not disappointed.

Okay….kindly gt back to me with the name you and on the payment and the address to send out the payment to and your valid phone number to contact you.

Clearly no one on the other end cares, they just want that fat cash. I’m starting to wonder how much they’ll send me for shipping to make this worth their while. Should I give them my contact info? Hard to say. For now, i say this:

Currently I am in the bathroom and thus do not have access to my address or phone number, both of which I keep written inside a secret set of pants under my bed. In 3 hours when I am done on the toilet I will e-mail you the information and then we can commence with you sending me payment. If possible, send the money order in a tube sock with the words “Gary Busey tickled Mother’s Taint on Tuesday” written on it in green Sharpie marker. If this is not doable, I understand. You can’t be too careful with all those looky loos, am I right? I’m right, don’t answer that.

Your faithful wife

This was maybe too much as it didn’t get a response.  My friend is getting impatient.  I have to give in and give them what they want.  They need an address and I am nothing if not accommodating.

WHY ALL THIS QUESTION CAUSE I WANT TO PURCHASE YOUR ITEM AND YOU ARE ASKING ME TO GET BACK TO YOU WITH MY PICTURE?PLEASE IF YOU ARE NOT SERIOUS GET BACK TO ME.

A valid if grammatically incorrect question, my friend.  Why am I asking all these damn questions?  I’ll have to explain in another e-mail.

I just want to know that my stuff is going to be loved and cared for and made to feel like a woman.  If you do not want to buy it that is fine, I have 17 other people very interested in purchasing this item but I saved it for you because I feel like we are soul mates and I would shave you if I could.

I gave you my address and everything, I just want to see you and thought maybe after the deal we can have an internet romance or something and I could slap your picture on my monitor with the head of my unit and pretend I was giving you love bruises.  Sometimes I call it the Loch Ness Monster and pretend my sack and balls are like humps on its back, like a prehistoric, aquatic camel with a loooooon neck, you know?

Anyway, here is my address again

*blah blah blah*

Please send the money right away…how much extra will you send for shipping?  Should I send you a bundt cake as well?  I make sensual bundt cakes.

Stickily yours,

Nedrick

I like to think that explained everything.  But 14 hours pass and I get no response.  I assume they were put off by my offer of sensual bundt cake.  Time for a hail mary play.

Darling,

I am so scared because I have not heard from you.  Is the deal off?  Are the Germans onto us?  I am hoping your payment arrives very quickly so that I might send you my delightful toys.  I think you will love them the way I love beef.  I love beef.  I love beef.  No, you don’t understand.  No!  I love it.

I will wire you the money when I get it and I think later I will have a bath with your photos, if you don’t mind, if you have any to send.  I hope you are not annoyed by my request.  I have cramps.  Sometimes I engage in non-sequitors.  Possums make me anxious.  Like really anxious.

Do you have any relatives in St. Louis?  I never want to go there because I bet it smells like a restroom, but if you have family there I will cowboy up and ride that shit to the moon.

Anyway, I await your response and will be watching the Food Network until I hear back from you.  I may also eat a muffin.  Daddy likes muffin, ya dig?

Love and kisses,

Gerald

The savvy readers amongst you may have noticed that I have now gone by the names Ian, Glenn, Nedrick and Gerald in these e-mails.  Also, if these were real, they would be some solid grounds for a mental health evaluation.  Gerald there sounds about as mad as a hatter.  My friends responds thusly:

Hello….Please want to known the rease why you said you scare?

Ahh, poking the bear, are we?  A single line e-mail, and it’s a question.  Indicating they desire a response.  I can’t let them down now, they’re counting on me.  But I’m also getting bored since I gave them a fake address and obviously I’ll never see any check, and I don’t want to wait for themt o realize this is going nowhere.  It’s time to send the “party like it’s 1999″ e-mail.  The Omega-Mail.  You may have heard of it.  But have you seen it?  Here it is.  Brace yourselves, it’s absolutely retarded.

BALLS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

the Feds are on to the game, man!!  Oh shit, you don’t even want to know what’s stirring in this pot, sweet pea.  Lycra pants, peanut buttered scrotums and Labrador retrievers, fuckin Ramen Noodles…RAMEN NOODLES?!?!?!?!  I CAN’T GO DOWN LIKE THIS!!!

Listen, I’m attaching some files to this e-mail, for the love of God don’t lose them or give them to anyone with ties to General Motors.  It’s just you and me on this pony and we’re doing it Butch and Sundance style, you dig?  Once we ride that bicycle, you pay me $1,000,000 to bang my wife (or Demi Moore, whoever’s skankier) and I eat a bunch of hard boiled eggs we’re gonna need a wicked soak in the tub, but that’s not gonna be for days yet.  DAYS!!

Are you in this for the long haul?  My ass is bleeding right now and you would not believe how much stuff I have hidden in there.  I’m making my way to the train station to meet you but walking is really hard right now and sitting is, frankly, suicidal.  I have a spare t-shirt in there but in retrospect ironing and folding it is going to prove useless by the time I retrieve it.

I can’t explain everything right now, but it has more to do with Jesus Jones than I would have thought, I’ll tell you that much for free.  Or a bagel.  Have bagels ready when I arrive, I’m dying here.  I need sesame.

If you see anyone who resembles Oprah with a 5 o’clock shadow, you run like Forresst Gump and you don’t stop.  Meet me at the tree where we first kissed, I’ll be the one in the rubber boots planting acorns.  In the event there are two of us planting acorns, I’ll be the one who is me.

When your check arrives I will not be there to retrieve it.  I have built a robot out of old mason jars and reduced fat yogurt containers to assist me in the maintenance of my mail, however, as I would simply die if I could not keep up to date on my correspondence.  Sir Killington-2000 (the robot, obviously) will forward your mail to me if I am able to retrieve it or, if I am unable, he will go on an unstoppable rampage of madness and bloodshed.

I have to shave my pubic hair and replace it with an organic fibre.

Excelsior!

Arnold H. Montgomery esq.

I also attached the following three photos.

That is, in fact, Peter Weller of Robocop fame.

As you might expect, this netted me no response.  The Omega E-Mail is powerful indeed.  I wasn’t going to stop here mind you.  Not when it was within my power to send numerous single line e-mails that said things like “I drew a picture of us riding a donkey and put it on my fridge.  It makes me so wet,” and “Oh shit!  Someone stole the donkey pic!”

Some 12 e-mails later I gave up and sent an e-mail that says “i LOVE YOU” over and over again, about 100 times.  Thus we have reached the present and my friend no longer e-mails me.  I’m wistful, yet feel as though I have grown as a human.

*not actual e-mail