After what felt like a solid six years of campaign ads, debates, and completely unimportant “scandals,” the day is finally upon us.  Today, barring contested results and lengthy legal disputes, we will elect a new president.  This is, without question, one of the most important elections in our nation’s young history.  We here at ScenicAnemia would like to politely ask that you, the American voters, please not fuck this up.

To that end, I’ve compiled this handy guide to help you navigate through the maze that is election day.  Read it, learn it, print it out and carry it with you if need be.  The very future of your country may depend on it.  It contains all of the information you could possibly need, from what you should eat for breakfast through what booze to go for when celebrating your candidate’s victory/drowning your sorrows over your candidate’s loss.  Not to mention, everything you need to know when making that crucial voting decision.  Let’s get started.

6:00 a.m. - Getting Started the Right Way

One thing I should point out right away, it’s crucial that you follow this guide exactly as it is written.  If it says “6:00 a.m.” the time is not negotiable.  If on a normal day you are frantically scrambling to get ready for work or, even worse, already at work at this time, that is going to have to wait today.  You have history to help make.  Consider calling in sick, just to be on the safe side.

Choosing the proper breakfast is vital to a successful election day experience.  You certainly don’t want to starve yourself.  Going into that voting booth distracted by the insatiable hunger for a stack of flapjacks or some shit could negatively affect your decision making ability.  But at the same time, you don’t want to eat anything too heavy.  It is very likely that you’ll encounter extremely long lines at your polling place.  The last thing you need is to fall victim to the dreaded “retail runs” while you wait.  If you’re unfamiliar with the “retail runs,” the term refers to that sudden desire to take a massive, sometimes explosive, dump at the most inconvenient time imaginable.  Happens to me everytime I do any shopping of any sort.  Grocery, clothes, music, hookers.  No matter what I’m browsing for, you can bet that at that very moment, I’d rather be on the shitter.  Don’t let this be you on election day.  Eat a sensible breakfast.  The biscuits and sausage gravy can wait for another day.

7:00 a.m. - The Polls Open

Generally, the polls open at 7 a.m.  You DO NOT want to be there at this time, for a number of reasons.

First of all, who are you trying to impress?  You think you’re more patriotic than everyone else just because you get there right away?  Hey, fuck you, “Uncle Sam.”  Patriotism isn’t a race, it’s a marathon.  Chill the fuck out for a few.

Secondly, those people that get there at seven are just there because their jackass boss at their shitty job will act as if they’ve committed murder should they show up five minutes late.  Responsible adults can safely call in a little late to their job without fear of retribution.  Those people at the polls at seven are the dregs of society.  Joe Sixpack, John Wifebeater, Ian Fortey, Jim Gramofheroin.  You’re better than this.  Unless you are one of those people with the shitty jobs.  In that case, use this extra time to find yourself a better job for chrissakes.

Otherwise, use the time to get yourself acquainted with the candidates.  For your convenience, I’ve outlined some important talking points about each presidential candidate below.  Spend the next couple of hours studying this information and use it to make your decision.

7:00 a.m. to 9:00 a.m. - Study Up On the Candidates

I’m certainly not here to tell you who to vote for.  What follows is a series of facts about each candidate.  They are not grouped in any particular order.  No candidate gets top billing over the other.  Just take the information in.  Read it repeatedly.  Read it out loud amongst a group of total strangers if that helps.

• John McCain is a former prisoner.
• Barack Obama has never been arrested.
• John McCain is approximately 80 years older than you.
• No matter how old you are, magically, you and Barack Obama are the exact same age.  You get along really well and, like, have SO much in common!!
• John McCain once beat a homeless man to death using an adorable little kitten.  The kitten died also.
• Barack Obama is a smoker.
• Smoking makes you look 90% cooler when standing next to a non-smoker.
• John McCain is a non-smoker.
• Barack Obama, prior to launching a career in politics, was a renowned songwriter, penning classics such as “Smells Like Teen Spirit,” “Ace of Spades,” “Brickhouse,” “Big Pimpin’,” “No Parking On the Dancefloor,” “Enter Sandman” and “The Star Spangled Banner.”
• John McCain uploads pirated music to the internet.  But all of it sucks.
• Barack Obama is a Chicago Bears fan.
• John McCain, if elected, will outlaw all professional sports in the United States.
• Barack Obama, if elected, will get you laid.
• John McCain’s teeth are fucking nasty.

9:30 a.m. - Arrive At Your Polling Place

Congrats!  You’ve studied the candidates and now you’re ready to make your choice.  There may be some challenges lying in wait that could derail your plans to let your voice be heard.  Don’t worry, we’ve got you covered.  Here are a few things to look out for, and what to do if you run into them.

The Line To Vote Is A Mile Long: We’ve tried to calculate your arrival time at the polling place in a manner so precise that the problems of long lines will be a non-issue.  But there is still a chance it will happen.  Especially if you live somewhere that most people are expected to vote for a democrat.  In that case, expect long lines no matter what time you’re voting.  But don’t let it discourage you.  Our recommendation for overcoming this obstacle…

• Hire a homeless person to stand in line for you.  Drive by the polling place every once in awhile to check on their progress.  Once they are close to getting in, go take back your place in line.  If anyone objects, give the homeless person an extra $5 to attack them.  Preferably in a manner that involves throwing urine on them.  Provide a large container of your own urine if need be.

Armed Guards Ask You For Identification: This is a classic trick.  It’s most commonly seen in poor neighborhoods where people tend to have warrants and shit.  If you encounter this situation, relax, those people actually have no authority over the voting process.  Sure, they have guns, but they probably aren’t going to shoot you.  Probably.

You’re Informed That Your Name Is Not On the List of Eligible Voters: Through various tricks and techniques, voters across the country have been disenfranchised.  If this happens to you, do the following:

1. Leave, return with a video camera and a friend who knows how to use it.  Documenting injustice is a key to righting wrongs.
2. Request a provisional ballot.  By law, they must provide you with one.
3. With the video camera rolling, promptly crumble the provisional ballot into a ball and eat it.
4. Stick your finger down your throat.  Regurgitate the partially digested provisional ballot on the table where the election workers are sitting.
5. Threaten to make somebody eat your freshly vomited provisional ballot if they don’t let you vote for real.  It may help to suggest that you will “tear this motherfucker up.”
6. Post your video on YouTube.
7. Become Internet Famous.

The Rest of the Day

Good job!  Against tremendous odds, you’ve managed to get out and vote.  There is only one thing left to do now…wait around and see who won.  Ideally, the person you voted for will be the winner.  If so, I’d recommend kicking back with a nice bottle of champagne.  But you should also be prepared for the possibility that your candidate will not be victorious.  If this is the case, you’ll probably know early on.  Why not make a drinking game out of it?  For each electoral vote that your candidate loses, take a shot of something strong.  Eventually, you will end up taking a minimum of 270 shots.  This should kill you.  These days, no matter who you’re voting for, that is probably exactly what you want if the other side wins.  God bless the U.S.A.!