Because I enjoy spending time with the common man and stewing in the smell of tepid urine, I often take the bus to work.  For those interested, tepid urine is far more robust than fresh urine.  Leave some in a glass on the nightstand sometime and you’ll see.

Whiz talk aside, I’ve grown accustomed to not enjoying my compatriots on the bus as the vast majority seem to be, shall we say, fucktarded.  My average busload of fun often consists of social malcontents who last changed their hairstyle in the early 1980s as well as hip hoppy high school kids, people with fat heads, stoned people, drunken hobos, no more than 3 skanks, a handful of decrepit senior citizens, a douchebag or two, someone who take sup 2 seats and then 5 or so people who seem to feel as awkward and wary as I do.  I call them “normies.”  Suckers.

Normally I’d not be inspired to share a tale of the bus denizens, but today was no normal day.  Oh no, kids, today was Halloween and if there’s one thing that can up the ante for crazy on a bus it’s a semi-holiday that demands people dress foolishly.

My first sign that something was awry on the bus today was a clown.  Let me make it clear right away that I don’t like clowns.  It’s not because I fear clowns, that’s retarded.  If you’re afraid of a clown, you may as well be afraid slow witted monkeys that sculpt their own feces or Glenn or something, it just makes no sense.  I just don’t like them.  Why the fuck are clowns funny?  Why are they associated with good times or humor or children?  How is someone making a mockery of themselves like that entertaining?  Why do you have to have off putting make up on?  If I disguise myself under normal circumstances I can be arrested.  Clown just walk around concealing their identity all the time.  I guess what I’m saying is that I think clowns are criminals.  Dirty, shitty felons who make balloon animal and wear comically large shoes.  And by comical I mean in the 1800’s sense.  Back then wood was funny.  Just wood.  The 1800’s were stupid.

Anyway, this clown gets on the bus.  It’s a lady clown and she seems to be of retirement age, but again I can’t tell because she’s a felon in disguise so how the hell do I know?  All I can say for sure is that she’s rather portly, breathing heavily and her red lips are smeared across her face.  So she looks a bit like the Joker.  Why so serious?  And why are you yelling?

Indeed, the clown lady was yelling.  Not like angry yelling, just unable to control the volume of her voice.  She yelled about needing to get home, yelled about how she lost her orange, yelled about how there was a hole in her shoe.

The clown was followed shortly thereafter by a poor man’s vampire.  Again, not particularly interesting, except that he had a wig on.  This, on paper, doesn’t sound suspicious, but you didn’t see the wig.  It wasn’t a Dracula wig with that crazy widow’s peak, or even the big butt hair made famous by Gary Oldman a few years back.  It was like Donald Trump’s hair.  A pale faced Donald Trump in a cape.  If his penis had been out it would have very much reminded me of an incident involving my uncle some years ago that I can’t in good conscience tell you about at this juncture.

It was at this point the deep thinking part of me paused to take stock of my own life.  I was on a bus, on my way to my very low paying job, realizing that later on in the day ( or in this case, several days later) I would be writing about what I was experiencing.  Was I King of the Bus for this reason, or the saddest amongst all of us?  And why was the girl who just got on dressed in a head band and leg warmers?  What the fuck kind of Halloween costume is that?

By now I had grown reticent and assumed my bus voyage would be as unremarkable as you’d expect a Halloween bus trip to be when a man with no face got on the bus.  I’m not even shitting you, I think it was a leper.  I mean, he had the vestiges of a face, like eyes and shit, but in the middle there was something of a crater.  Maybe he was syphilitic, I think that can happen to you.  I dunno.  The point was a man with a hole for a nose and a crazy Arseface looking head was on the bus on Halloween.  Can you even fathom what drives a person with no face to get on a bus on Halloween?  Was it a joke?  Is No Face dryly hilarious?  Was it a challenge to the world?  Or was it sheer mockery, pointing out how his curious condition brought on by nature or a life of excessive whoring or traveling back to the Middle Ages or whatever had made him look more impressive than anyone with a store bought costume?

Probably the dude just had stuff to do that day, but still.  Anyway, point is, even on Halloween, public transit is shit. Rememebr that kids.  Buy Hummers.