Most everyone familiar with classic rock is familiar with the notorious “27″ club, the ever growing group of famous (or famous-ish, in some cases) musicians who met an untimely death at the age of 27.  Kurt Cobain, Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison, Robert Johnson.  The list reads like a who’s-who of Rock and Roll Hall of Famers.  But it isn’t.  Cobain isn’t eligible until, like, 2012 or something.  So it’s just a partial list of Rock and Roll Hall of Famers.  Don’t fret though Kurt, you’ll get there.

Because of the 27 Club’s roster of famous members, 2 and 7 have become the most infamous numbers in music history.  But there may be a new challenger to that throne.  A seemingly unexplainable string of deaths in recent years amongst old timey jazz musicians has fueled speculation about a possible “72″ club.  Could 7 and 2 replace 2 and 7 as the most feared numbers in music?  ScenicAnemia decided to investigate.  What we found, may shock you.

The story begins in April of 1998 with the mysterious death of jazz saxophonist Alvin “Red” Tyler.  Officially, the death is listed as having been the result of natural causes.  But is it possible that there is something more sinister at work here?  Certainly, one elderly jazz musician dead at the age of 72 is nothing to raise an eyebrow at.  But raise an eyebrow we did, and the numbers are staggering.  Since 1998, at least five former jazz musicians have met untimely deaths at the tender age of 72.

So, what is killing our nation’s elderly jazz musicians?  Because many of these national heroes are well beyond their commercial prime, their deaths go largely unnoticed.  That’s probably why nobody noticed when, just four months after the unexplained death of Alvin Tyler, another septuagenarian jazz musician, Errol Parker, checked out early.

But this time, things were different.  This time, the cause of death was listed as liver cancer.  A seemingly reasonable explanation until you consider…IT COULDN’T HAVE HAPPENED!  Science has proven that jazz music leads to substance abuse and heavy drinking.  Medically, liver cancer in a state of constant drunkenness is an impossibility.  Alcohol forms a protective layer of protection, comfort, warmth and love around the liver.  We know this to be true, because we read it somewhere.

So if not liver cancer, then what killed Errol Parker?  And even more ominously, what killed Guy Mitchell?  As you can see from that link, the cause of death is listed as “complications after surgery.”  Really?  At 72 years old, the average person has been through a minimum of 30 surgeries in their life, 50 if you’re overweight.  What could be so complicated by that point?  You go to sleep for awhile, you get cut open in all manner of slasher flick ways, and then you wake up a few hours later with a six month supply of Oxycontin.  See?  Even I have the routine down, and I’m only 59 according to the fitness test on my Nintendo Wii.  So what kind of morons would we have to be to believe that a wily old surgical veteran like Guy Mitchell could succumb to something as avoidable as complications of surgery?  A more rational explanation, of course, is that Mitchell was murdered.  Notice he died almost exactly one year to the day after Errol Parker.  Your witness.

What did Guy Mitchell know that prompted a team of assassins posing as surgeons to take him out when he was at his most vulnerable?  What was Guy Mitchell planning to reveal on the one year anniversary of Errol Parker’s death?  We will probably never know.  What we do know is that, less than a year later, another old jazz dude was dead.  This time, the awesomely named Joe Puma met his end too soon.  This time, it was more “cancer” that was to blame.  Or so they say.

After the death of Joe Puma, the problem seemed to go away.  For years, no jazz musicians died.  At least not at the age of 72.  What happened?  Why the lull in activity?  Did something happen to drain resources from the “Kill a Jazz Musician” program (codename Operation Bluenote, according to our sources)?  Yes.  9/11.  That’s what happened.  Is it possible that this timing is a mere coincidence?  No, no it isn’t.  It’s pretty obvious what’s going on here.  It’s a matter of numbers.  9 - 1 - 1 = 7.  How many ones are there in 9/11?  Those chills you feel right now, that’s called enlightenment.  You’ve just realized what I’ve known all along, if 9-1-1 = 7, and there are two ones in 911, that leaves you with…72.

Are the people behind 9/11 also responsible for the hideous “72″ club.  Are elderly jazz musicians being killed off by (insert your 9/11 mastermind preference here) to divert attention away from their insidious plan of terror and mayhem?   We can’t be sure, but the answer is yes.  And scariest of all, they may be back at it.  After years of relative safety for elderly jazz musicians age 72 - 72, another musician, Walter Perkins, was found dead in 2004.  The cause of death?  “Lung cancer.”  I suppose they’re going to blame that on cigarettes.

Don’t believe everything they tell you people.  And don’t say I didn’t warn you.