Archive for Fortey
Ian Fortey knows no shame. He writes from the gut and/or groin, a method that has earned him no awards yet, but probably makes others feel warm in their unwholesome locations. Ian Fortey will rub your belly. If you find yourself feeling something akin to love, admiration, lust or revulsion, you can e-mail Ian at fortey@scenicanemia.com
Ways to Fight Strangers
You may not know this, but the world hates you. And by you, I really mean you, reading this right now. Not “you” like everyone, like as if I said “You can’t masturbate on the bus without unwelcome consequences” or whatever in which I’d be using you to mean all of us, like the French [...]
8Nov2008 | Fortey | 0 comments | Continued
Judge’s Dating Video
If you’re a longtime fan of scenicanemia, then you’re full of shit. But if you ever checked the site before the big blackout of ‘08, which occurred when Adam fell asleep while touching himself during site maintenance and deleted everything, and by touching himself I mean a fisting mitten was involved, then you may recall [...]
5Nov2008 | Fortey | 0 comments | Continued
The Halloween Bus
Because I enjoy spending time with the common man and stewing in the smell of tepid urine, I often take the bus to work. For those interested, tepid urine is far more robust than fresh urine. Leave some in a glass on the nightstand sometime and you’ll see.
Whiz talk aside, I’ve grown accustomed to not [...]
The Day I Met Peter Weller
Recently, I posted an article in which I name dropped and jpeg dropped Peter Weller. Peter Weller, of course, is Robocop. That is to say you think he is an actor who portrayed Robocop while I assume he underwent the full cyborg surgery for the role and is, in fact, Robocop at this very moment. [...]
2Oct2008 | Fortey | 2 comments | Continued
The Learning Channel: Teaching Us All Absolutely Nothing
Cable networks often adopt names that cut to the heart of what they want to show to audiences. Animal Planet is like a whole damn world full of alpacas and monkeys, Comedy Central is right in the heart of hilarious. Spike TV is the epitome of what people with the intellect of a 12 year [...]
27Sep2008 | Fortey | 0 comments | Continued
You Too Can Write for the Internets…Maybe
Recently, the crack team of literati here at Scenic Anemia sat down and decided we needed to start blogging. Not just to fill space on the website and make you, our 7 readers, feel like we were updating on a semi-regular basis, but because we wanted to give something back to the internet community that [...]
27Sep2008 | Fortey | Comments Off | Continued
Entry Level Loser 2: StarMail Warehouse
This likely wasn’t my second job ever, I just can’t remember where it fit in. I think I was in high school when I had it. Now, for those who read of my adventures at Best Value Restaurant and recall I said it was my first job, and I was in college, you’ll have to [...]
26Sep2008 | Fortey | 0 comments | Continued
Fraudulent Friend Finder - The Revenge!
For my original fraudulent friend finder article, I decided to go out of my way to be a complete douche to a total stranger, even if said stranger was an eerie shut-in degenerate who liked to be wrapped in saran wrap by strange women. You don’t need me to explain the details again, go read [...]
26Sep2008 | Fortey | 2 comments | Continued
Brine Shrimp Vagina
It’s 2:45 in the morning and I have to work at 10:00. To do this I must leave the house by 8:30 to catch a bus all the way across town. To do this I figure I need to be up in 5 hours. But I am already up, so I am ahead of the [...]
11Sep2008 | Fortey | 5 comments | Continued
Websites About Which I Am Chagrined
Why doesn’t the internet seek to please me at all times? I don’t know. The result of the internet’s slothful inability to bend to my unspoken whims is a pantload of websites that make tiny muscles under the flesh of my face spasm in frustration and anger. There are so many preposterous [...]
3Sep2008 | Fortey | 6 comments | Continued
If I had to guess, I'd say the toilet was previously soiled by Paul Simon.
As for the webcam, it just ...
"You need a clue",.... you misspelled "whether". Ha! And you seriously can't knock those free Russian porn ...
Yeah! I hate jazz! 
omfg mixed-raceprez!!!!!one!!!! 
Work? We'll have no part of that. Look for a glorious update from Fortey tomorrow. 
Hilarious. Well written.