Archive for Fortey
Ian Fortey knows no shame. He writes from the gut and/or groin, a method that has earned him no awards yet, but probably makes others feel warm in their unwholesome locations. Ian Fortey will rub your belly. If you find yourself feeling something akin to love, admiration, lust or revulsion, you can e-mail Ian at fortey@scenicanemia.com
This is Some Good S#!t: Practical Uses for Feces
Shit, like Ryan Seacrest, is mostly water. The rest, probably also like Seacrest, is dead bacteria, fiber, fat, and ass mucus. It’s pretty simple (this Seacrest metaphor keeps going, doesn’t it?), pretty awful and people have found far too many ways to make it do something for them.
Booze - The origin of the term shit [...]
3Sep2008 | Fortey | 4 comments | Continued
A Fear of Hobos
So I have this fear of hobos. Some years ago I took it upon myself to head downtown at a totally unreasonable hour in the morning in the hopes of being first in line to get tickets to a concert that was in a town that’s about 160 miles away. It didn’t occur to me [...]
3Sep2008 | Fortey | 1 comment | Continued
From Dumping to Humping: World’s Worst Car Names
Sweet Irony
Deciding that likening an ugly ass car to an ugly ass fruit was a good idea, French automaker Renault tried to launch a campaign that compared the Renault 14 to the pear. The fact that poire, in French, can mean both pear and gullible was apparently lost completely on the manufacturers, as was the [...]
2Sep2008 | Fortey | 2 comments | Continued
Animal Abuse – The Stupid Origins of 13 Animal Names
Not a lot of people stop to ponder where names come from these days, unless they run across some idiot with a name Xerxes, Jermajesty or Dane Cook. Even less noteworthy are the names of animals, which we all tend to take for granted. But as it turns out, a number of our little friends [...]
2Sep2008 | Fortey | 1 comment | Continued
The RimJob Obsession
I should be writing more content for this website, and reposting my old material. That one article about animals named by morons was hilarious. Hilarious! It was actually nominated for several web awards, I assume. And I heard that the girl Glenn lost his virginity to only engaged in coitus with [...]
1Sep2008 | Fortey | 4 comments | Continued
Fortey’s Guide to Unwholesome Deviancy - Online Edition!
Recently, it has come to my attention that the internet is all abustle with lasciviousness. “Gasp!” you may gasp, and clutch at your tender bosom. “What is this lasciviousness you speak of, Ian? Is it also licentious and lustful?” to which I might reply after a hearty twirl of my pubic [...]
21Aug2008 | Fortey | 3 comments | Continued
The Harder They Fall: 8.5 Former Box Office Goldmines
Remember when Jean Claude Van Damme was famous and people would pay real, negotiable currency to see his movies? Or Steven Seagal? Or Chuck Norris? Or Cher? Or everyone on this list? Me too.
Orson Welles
Arguably one of the greatest filmmakers of all time, Orson Welles gave the world Citizen Kane, Touch of Evil and [...]
Looking for Cumquats
It’s 3:34 in the morning as I write this and what better way to pass the time than to Google the word cumquat. Why cumquat? Why indeed. Google tells me the word cumquat has 1.1 million results. That’s a veritable pantload of citrusy webpages. But to put it in perspective, boobs get 72.3 million results [...]
20Aug2008 | Fortey | 0 comments | Continued
The Fraudulent Friend Finder: Answering Online Personals
The internet has many purposes that do not involve sex, none of which matter for the purposes of this article. What does matter is that personal ads, which long were forced to the back of the local newspaper where hopeful perverts tried to find like-minded deviants to get together and masturbate off of bridges are [...]
11Aug2008 | Fortey | 0 comments | Continued
Lawns of the Future: 9 Sci-Fi Lwn and Garden Tools
The future is happening all around us as we watch daytime TV or work for our sad paycheck that can barely buy us our weekly requirements of alcohol and hookers, let alone the flying cars that are being hurried down the line to make our lives more convenient/horribly dangerous. And now, to add insult to [...]
11Aug2008 | Fortey | 0 comments | Continued
If I had to guess, I'd say the toilet was previously soiled by Paul Simon.
As for the webcam, it just ...
"You need a clue",.... you misspelled "whether". Ha! And you seriously can't knock those free Russian porn ...
Yeah! I hate jazz! 
omfg mixed-raceprez!!!!!one!!!! 
Work? We'll have no part of that. Look for a glorious update from Fortey tomorrow. 
Hilarious. Well written.