Archive for Fortey

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Ian Fortey knows no shame. He writes from the gut and/or groin, a method that has earned him no awards yet, but probably makes others feel warm in their unwholesome locations. Ian Fortey will rub your belly. If you find yourself feeling something akin to love, admiration, lust or revulsion, you can e-mail Ian at fortey@scenicanemia.com

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The RimJob Obsession

I should be writing more content for this website, and reposting my old material. That one article about animals named by morons was hilarious. Hilarious! It was actually nominated for several web awards, I assume. And I heard that the girl Glenn lost his virginity to only engaged in coitus with [...]

1Sep2008 | Fortey | 4 comments | Continued
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Fortey’s Guide to Unwholesome Deviancy - Online Edition!

Recently, it has come to my attention that the internet is all abustle with lasciviousness. “Gasp!” you may gasp, and clutch at your tender bosom. “What is this lasciviousness you speak of, Ian? Is it also licentious and lustful?” to which I might reply after a hearty twirl of my pubic [...]

21Aug2008 | Fortey | 3 comments | Continued
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The Harder They Fall: 8.5 Former Box Office Goldmines

Remember when Jean Claude Van Damme was famous and people would pay real, negotiable currency to see his movies? Or Steven Seagal? Or Chuck Norris? Or Cher? Or everyone on this list? Me too.
Orson Welles
Arguably one of the greatest filmmakers of all time, Orson Welles gave the world Citizen Kane, Touch of Evil and [...]

20Aug2008 | Fortey | 3 comments | Continued
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Looking for Cumquats

It’s 3:34 in the morning as I write this and what better way to pass the time than to Google the word cumquat. Why cumquat? Why indeed. Google tells me the word cumquat has 1.1 million results. That’s a veritable pantload of citrusy webpages. But to put it in perspective, boobs get 72.3 million results [...]

20Aug2008 | Fortey | 1 comment | Continued
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The Fraudulent Friend Finder: Answering Online Personals

The internet has many purposes that do not involve sex, none of which matter for the purposes of this article. What does matter is that personal ads, which long were forced to the back of the local newspaper where hopeful perverts tried to find like-minded deviants to get together and masturbate off of bridges are [...]

11Aug2008 | Fortey | 0 comments | Continued
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Lawns of the Future: 9 Sci-Fi Lwn and Garden Tools

The future is happening all around us as we watch daytime TV or work for our sad paycheck that can barely buy us our weekly requirements of alcohol and hookers, let alone the flying cars that are being hurried down the line to make our lives more convenient/horribly dangerous. And now, to add insult to [...]

11Aug2008 | Fortey | 1 comment | Continued
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Entry Level Loser 4: The Idlewyld Inn

This installment comes grossly out of order as this job was, in fact, the job I had while I wrote the three previous entries in the Entry Level Loser series. In fact, it was the job I had right up until the day I wrote this entry. Follow me on a journey of hilarity.
For a variety [...]

11Aug2008 | Fortey | 0 comments | Continued
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Entry Level Loser: Best Value Family Restaurant

To begin, some background. I’m in my late 20’s, I live in a moderately sized Canadian city of around 350,000 people, I am university educated and I’m not horribly disfigured or afflicted with Tourette’s. In a crowd, I would not stand out and the police have never kicked my door in. I’m a typical dude [...]

11Aug2008 | Fortey | 0 comments | Continued
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Entry Level Loser #3: Vector Marketing

The measure of a man can be easily taken when you see the sorts of things he’s willing to do for money. For instance, I once applied for a job with Vector Marketing knowing nothing about them or what they did. This resulted in being invited not to an interview so much as a seminar [...]

7Jul2008 | Fortey | 7 comments | Continued
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Selling Out: 5 Epic Ways To Trade Cash For Dignity

The dream of having a pantload of free cash with little to no effort is one held close to the hearts of many these days, but not everyone has the drive, skill or luck to make those dreams into reality. And, in some case, not everyone is equipped with the shallow, whorish personal values required [...]

15May2008 | Fortey | 8 comments | Continued
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